Tomorrow I will go back to work. No, let me rephrase that, tomorrow I will start getting paid again. Work is something I am already very familiar with. The work I have been doing runs 24 hours a day, seven days a week. In sickness and in health, in good times and bad, there it is. Rain, snow, sleet, hail, dark, light, dusk, dawn, doesn't matter when it comes to my job. Where I go, they go. Where I stay they stay. We are like salt and pepper shakers, we come as a set. I am a stay at home mom.
It is not a job cut out for everyone and yet I know many people that would give anything to do it if they had the opportunity. For seven years I have had the opportunity to be at home with my kids. There is no amount of money that I would take for those seven years. It was worth every last unearned penny. So it is with mixed emotions that I return to the workforce tomorrow.
There is excitement over this new adventure in my life:
* A chance to be able to teach again, which is something I LOVE but at the same time, teach in a new nontraditional way than I am used to.
*A chance for regular adult conversation on a daily basis. You don't realize how very important this is until you are without it.
*An office, yep, my own space. And there is a closet in there too. I can go in, shut the door and there I am alone with myself, my thoughts, my work. I don't know what it is like to be alone much. When you become a mother you sign away all rights to privacy, beginning with that very first ultrasound (and those that have had children know exactly what I am talking about on that one!) No more showers alone, bathroom breaks are a family affair, dinner is expected to be prepared with a baby on your hip and a toddler hanging on your legs. So yes, the thought of my own space is thrilling to me.
*A paycheck. I don't think I realized how much we have been doing without until the opportunity to "do with" came back up. Today I bought paper towels, real, soft, soak up Lake Michigan if you needed it to, paper towels. What a difference a few dollars can make.
*Comfort in knowing I am where my kids are and will be. The whole reason I became a teacher was because I thought it allowed me to be a mom too. I wanted to be accessible to my children. I want to be on their schedule and be able to be involved in what they are doing. My new job puts me at their school. They can ride to and from school with me instead of spending an hour and twenty minutes on the bus one way. The look on B's face was worth a thousand words when I told him I was coming to his school. He is so excited and so very proud.
There is also apprehension:
*Am I taking away from my girls by not staying out with them, by putting them in someone else's care?
*Am I going to miss some monumental moment in my children's lives?
*Can I balance my job, my family, my home all at the same time without something falling apart?
*Do I even remember how to do this job and can I do it well?
Truth is, I don't know. I don't think any working mom knows the answer to these questions. We just have to trust that it will be what it will be and that in the end, God is in control. It has always been in God's control, on His time, in His way, in His will. I have always known God has a plan for me and for my children. I trust that this is part of that plan and the timing is perfect, even if it was not what I had in mind. My prayer is that I will trust Him and know that I am not giving up my role as mom, no matter how much it feels like that, I am just learning to stretch, to grow, to challenge myself as a mom, as a woman, as a wife, as a teacher, as me. Me...she's been incognito for a while now. Ready for me again, and hoping this is my opportunity to remember exactly who that is.
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